Dinner for two. And Nogh.

Function before form

2005-08-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

This is a movie that Nogh told me to watch. I will have to download it to watch it so I'm putting the link here so that I have a proper link with which to right click and "save target as".

Click Me!

UPDATE: Well if you know Nogh (I know that most of you don't know Nogh, so, no) then you would be unsure if that's what she wanted you to see or not. I have no idea, but that tall glass of milk sure looks refreshing next to what I assume are delicious looking Oreo knockoffs (I say this because there is no Nabisco sign in the corner).

Congratulations Again, Nogh!

2005-06-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to take this moment to congratulate our very own mover and shaker, Nogh. She has gone and outdone herself by winning an ever-elusive Elts. Congratulations, Nogh!

Congratulations Nogh!

2005-05-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend, Nogh graduated from college. My deepest congratulations to her. College is, in fact, where Nogh and I met, and that's probably the coolest part of my experience there.

Anyway, Nogh, fill your time with much Everquest2, go out a lot, watch your TV shows when they come on instead of when you get around to it, read books in one sitting if you want to, go to the movies in the middle of the week instead of going to class, and invest your time looking into all the things that sparked your interest but you didn't have time to pursue them at the time.

So We're Not the Only Ones With Whack Public Officials

2005-05-11T20:09:00.000-04:00

Sagging in the Polls:

Before he was elected to the Duma (Russia's lower house of parliament), Anatoly Kashpirovsky worked as a psychic, hypnotist and faith-healer. But when he lost his seat in elections in December, Kashpirovsky refused to vacate his government-provided Moscow apartment. He says he's use his psychic powers to fight off anyone trying to evict him by rendering them impotent. Russian government officials have not yet announced what they will do about the problem. (AP) ...Moscow needs more female cops.

Brought to you by This is True.

Music Review

2005-05-11T19:32:00.000-04:00

Best videos ever

2005-05-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

I can't decide which one I like better. They're both hysterical, but for entirely different reasons. One features an over-the-top patriotic song performed by a guy who's listened to entirely too much Journey, and the other has ass-crack. You be the judge.

In other news, I'm officially banned from the Baptist Church. Whew. One less thing I have to worry about.

ADMIN NOTE #5748003993421098:

2005-05-05T22:41:00.000-04:00

For those of you that haven't noticed or haven't been to No Time For Later, I've slowly moved my day to day operations to that blog. Originally, Dinner for two. and then Dinner for two. And Nogh. was intended to be an online playground for my sister and me. And Nogh(pronounced Nogg, despite what she says). It will continue to be such, but with the Mysterious Lubba D's work schedule and trying to beat the deadline for her website (which I will link to once it's live), and Nogh's ummm, whatever real life stuff Nogh has going on that makes her busy (like school is important, no priorities that one), it has fallen on my shoulders to keep this blog going for the most part. I just simply can't run two blogs at once ~~and take over all of yours~~ at the same time.

Have no fear though, they will be back once they're done with all of this foolishment.

So until then, you're safe.

Somewhat.

Ok, not really.

Just remember to duck.

A Challenge

2005-05-03T23:02:00.000-04:00

This one is for Kris in particular, but I challenge anyone who is interested. Today, SJ blogged about the lack of the use of the word savory in our regular lexicon. The challenge is to blog using the word savory as many times as possible in a single post while still making sense. I'd offer a guest moderator spot on my blog for a week, but I'm aware that it's just not that exciting a place to hang out. So, instead, I am offering extra cake from Pops' blog and one extra question at Ask Blog Jesus' place to the winner.

Guerrilla warfare will not be tolerated.

2005-04-28T03:22:00.000-04:00

Remember when you were a kid, there was always another kid, a bad kid, that no one really liked? You know, the one that everyone just tolerated because they were afraid of him/her? Or maybe you were that kid and just didn't know it, but there always was one. You know the one that I am talking about. The kid that would pull the wings off of dragonflies and then drop them into an anthill that (s)he had kicked? The one that would try to kick the cat? That tossed alka-seltzer to the seagulls? That fed firecrackers to frogs? We all knew a kid like that.

Well apparently that kid was influenced by the Holy Spirit, or Brahma, or Thor or whichever deity in whom you believe. All the toads living near a Hamburg, Germany pond are exploding. The scientists are baffled and said there are no discernable reasons for the exploding amphibians.

I say we invade Germany for harboring terrorists. It's obvious that the little buggers are staging their own jihad. Intelligence tells us that they definitely have the capability, and possibly have already begun manufacturing WMD's. We should be aware that biological/chemical/biochemical/clone warfare is a very real threat that should not be taken lightly. These toads are ruthless enough to engage in such tactics.

The U.N. opposes such an invasion, but we don't need their support! For any nation that won't join us, we'll breed contempt for them with the citizens of our country. We'll pass a law that states that any suspicious-looking animal should be tagged for identification.

This is a full-proof plan, I'm telling you. Blogger ate the second half of my full-proof plan, but

we can't lose!

Love is in the air

2005-04-25T14:34:00.000-04:00

Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every soouuunnndddd!

Hey look!

2005-04-25T10:23:00.000-04:00

Yet another story about James Guckert (A.K.A Jeff Gannon) that the mainstream press will ignore. The story basically is this - Not only did a gay male escort posing as a reporter while using an alias somehow make his way to White House press briefings where he asked stilted, administration-friendly questions, he *also* was given unprecedented access to the White House itself, with some visits lasting up to six hours. He even showed up and was allowed in on days when there weren't any press briefings at all.

So what does this mean? What I've been saying all along - he had a boyfriend on the inside. How else do you explain it? Additionally, some of his visits show check-ins but no check-outs. Those are the times he probably stayed the night.

So who is this mysterious boyfriend? My money’s on Chaney. (Now there’s a mental picture you didn’t need to see, huh? I know. I grossed myself out too.)

The Beast

2005-04-24T04:20:00.000-04:00

I would just like to take a moment to plug someone else's blog. G.D. has graciously allowed me to be Comment Moderator for her blog for this entire week (as payment for renting Digitalicat's soul from me for the weekend) and called me retarded all in one post. In response to her "retarded" comment, I'll just call her "Gigsy D-ass" from now on.

Anyway, you should all go to her blog. You'll be fascinated by her razor-sharp wit, the fact that she shares her love for Oompa Loompa porn, MAN, can she write, and last but CERTAINLY not least, I am comment moderator for the week. What kind of wackiness will follow? There's only one way to find out! Check out Lions and Tigers and Maggots...Oh My!, brought to you by the one and only, Gigsy D-ass.

And now, Ron Perlman:

Handsome! Click on the picture to visit her blog.

What If...

2005-04-23T07:22:00.000-04:00

Click on the picture to visit the Mysterious Lubba D's battle plan.

The Bizwheesat’sassmiznit Battle Hymn

2005-04-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

This post is best enjoyed while listening to Ladies Night, by Kool and the Gang with the bass cranked.

(To the tune of Ladies Night)

Mm oh yeah, oh what a night

Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night (oh what a plight)
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night

Sis, you got one
A night with Hasbro everywhere
From nostril to vomithood
It's Play-Doh night and girl
the feeling's good

Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night (oh what a plight)
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night

Doh antics Lady, actin’ shady
Mmm nauseated mama
Compound you grouted, lady yeah
Spray to my delight, mama,yeah

If you hear any noise
It ain't the boy, it's Play-Doh night, uh huh

Gonna puke up Play-Doh night
Pukin' up Play-Doh night
Gonna puke up Play-Doh night
Pukin' up Play-Doh night

Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night (oh what a plight)
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Play-Doh night
Oh what a night

Don’t try to fight, I am a machine
I will fullfill all my dreams
Play-Doh here, puking there, everywhere
This is your plight, Lubba
No snot will be spared

This stuff is white
Tonight, everything is gonna be for spite
This stuff is white
Tonight, everything is gonna be for spite
This stuff is white
Tonight, everything is gonna be for spite
This stuff is white
Tonight, everything is gonna be for spite…

Come on let's all celebrate…

Fourty things you didn't know about Nogh

2005-04-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

1. What is your name?
I am known by many names, among them Nogh, Princess Drunkypants, Hey You, and my actual name, which cannot be said three times in a row whilst staring into a mirror, lest I magically appear behind you and disembowel you with my hooked hand.

2. What color underwear are you wearing now?
Flesh colored. From the waist down I look like a giant sexless Barbie. From the waist up I look more like a giant boobless Skipper.

3. What are you listening to right now
Radiohead

4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number?
My land line is 21, my cell is 02.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
A Myoplex Lite Chocolate Peaunt Butter Crisp protein bar. It was pretty good, as far as protein bars go. They’re all pretty shitty, aren’t they.

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Salmon, or maybe cyan. Something that can only be found in the big box, that’s for sure.

7. Last person you IMed with?
That dude who I briefly IM’d with the last time I was at the Lubbah’s house

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My sister.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
That they are of the opposite sex. Duh.

10. Favorite Food?
Most foods are my favorites.

11. Favorite Drink?
Grey Goose and Soda with a twist of lime. Note that I said “soda” and not tonic. Tonic can go fuck itself.

12. Favorite Alcoholic Drink?
Oh sorry, I just made assumptions that we were talking alcohol, didn't I?

13. Favorite place to shop?
If we’re talking placed to actually shop, it would have to be New York and Co. But if by “shopping” you mean “making fun of the other shoppers” then it would have to be Hot Topic.

14. Hair color?
As brown as brown can be without being black

15. Eye Color?
Blue-Green hazel.

16. Do you wear contacts?
Nada

17. Top or Bottom?
Bottom, but I’m flexible. (double entendre intended)

18. Favorite Month?
February, because of my birthday.

19. Favorite Fast Food?
I love Popeyes but it dosen’t love me. Still, a few hours on the crapper is a small price to pay for a deliciously seasoned fried chicken breast.

20. Last Movie you Watched?
The producers of last episode of Frontline chose to forgo the usual investigative journalism in favor of rerunning the 1970’s docudrama “Death of an Arabian Princess”. It was muy enlightening.

21. Favorite Day of the Year?
My birthday. I’m all about ME.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Yes. This will surprise many people.

23. Summer or Winter?
Spring.

24. Hugs or Kisses?
Aren't they really so much better together?

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate.

26. What books are you reading?
“Infinite Jest” and “Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell: A Novel”

27. Favorite TV Show?
Six Feet Under

28. What's on your mouse pad?
I use an optical mouse. Much like a menopausal woman, no pad needed.

29. What did you do last night?
I played hookie from work yesterday, so I shopped, got a pedicure and had lunch with my sister. It was a really fun day. I may just have to give up this work crap altogether.

30. Favorite Author?
I can’t pick just one.

31. Who inspires you?
Jared from the Subway commercials. Dude lost an assload of weight and became a millionaire. Way to go, J!

32. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn:
I enjoy it coated in that butter-flavored substance

33 Dogs or cats?
Dogs rule and cats drool.

34. Favorite Flower?
Tulips.

35. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M.?
I don’t say anything. I just reach up and hit snooze seven or eight times

36. Do you still talk to your best friends from middle school?
Nope. The bitch.

37. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right

38. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter?
Smooth. Only a godless communist would opt for chunky.

39. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I have four regular pillows and big stinky dog whom I sometimes use as a pillow.

40. If you had to stick Play-Dogh up someone's nose, who's would you choose?
Kris. I think he deserved it.

Now you go.

More Fun Facts

2005-04-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT AMERICA’S FAVORITE REUSABLE COMPOUND

Did you know…

The formula for the original Play-Doh will soon be found in the Mysterious Lubba D’s nasal cavity?

Play-Doh Compound is the leader in the stuff-it-in-nasal-cavity market?

Today, Play-Doh Compound has been stuffed into only one known nostril, but growth is expected to double in 2005 alone?

If combined, the total amount of Play-Doh Compound stuffed in nasal cavities since 1978 could cause more than 700 million people to vomit? That’s more people than actually populate the world!

More than 2 balls of Play-Doh will be stuffed into nostrils by 2006.

Approximately 95 million cans of Play-Doh Compound are manufactured each year, including 1-ounce, 2-ounce, and 6-ounce cans of ammo combined.

If the Play-Doh used in 1978 were to be extruded through the same nasal cavity, it would reach approximately double the speed as it did that year?

Fun Facts

2005-04-20T23:21:00.000-04:00

FUN FACTS ABOUT AMERICA’S FAVORITE REUSABLE COMPOUND

Did you know...

The formula for the original Play-Doh compound still remains top secret.

Play-Doh Compound is the leader in the reusable compound market.

Today, Play-Doh Compound is sold in more than 6,000 stores in the United States and in more than 75 countries worldwide.

If combined, the total amount of Play-Doh Compound manufactured since 1956 would weigh more than 700 million pounds. That’s equal to the weight of almost two Grand Coulee Dams in Washington or the weight of 159 fully-loaded Space Shuttles.

More than 2 billion cans of Play-Doh Compound have been sold since 1956.

Approximately 95 million cans of Play-Doh Compound are manufactured each year, including 1-ounce, 2-ounce and 6-ounce cans combined.

If all the Play-Doh Compound made since 1956 was extruded through the Fun Factory®, it would make a "snake" that would wrap around the world nearly 300 times.

Zeig Heil, Your Holiness!

2005-04-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

If ever there were a sign of the apocalypse, this is it.

If I were Jewish I'd be mighty nervous right about now.

-----------------------------------------------

April 17, 2005

Papal hopeful is a former Hitler Youth

Justin Sparks, Munich, John Follain and Christopher Morgan, Rome

THE wartime past of a leading German contender to succeed John Paul II may return to haunt him as cardinals begin voting in the Sistine Chapel tomorrow to choose a new leader for 1 billion Catholics.

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whose strong defence of Catholic orthodoxy has earned him a variety of sobriquets — including “the enforcer”, “the panzer cardinal” and “God’s rottweiler” — is expected to poll around 40 votes in the first ballot as conservatives rally behind him.

Although far short of the requisite two-thirds majority of the 115 votes, this would almost certainly give Ratzinger, 78 yesterday, an early lead in the voting. Liberals have yet to settle on a rival candidate who could come close to his tally.

Unknown to many members of the church, however, Ratzinger’s past includes brief membership of the Hitler Youth movement and wartime service with a German army anti- aircraft unit.

Although there is no suggestion that he was involved in any atrocities, his service may be contrasted by opponents with the attitude of John Paul II, who took part in anti-Nazi theatre performances in his native Poland and in 1986 became the first pope to visit Rome’s synagogue.

“John Paul was hugely appreciated for what he did for and with the Jewish people,” said Lord Janner, head of the Holocaust Education Trust, who is due to attend ceremonies today to mark the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.

“If they were to appoint someone who was on the other side in the war, he would start at a disadvantage, although it wouldn’t mean in the long run he wouldn’t be equally understanding of the concerns of the Jewish world.”

The son of a rural Bavarian police officer, Ratzinger was six when Hitler came to power in 1933. His father, also called Joseph, was an anti-Nazi whose attempts to rein in Hitler’s Brown Shirts forced the family to move home several times.

In 1937 Ratzinger’s father retired and the family moved to Traunstein, a staunchly Catholic town in Bavaria close to the Führer’s mountain retreat in Berchtesgaden. He joined the Hitler Youth aged 14, shortly after membership was made compulsory in 1941.

He quickly won a dispensation on account of his training at a seminary. “Ratzinger was only briefly a member of the Hitler Youth and not an enthusiastic one,” concluded John Allen, his biographer.

Two years later Ratzinger was enrolled in an anti-aircraft unit that protected a BMW factory making aircraft engines. The workforce included slaves from Dachau concentration camp.

Ratzinger has insisted he never took part in combat or fired a shot — adding that his gun was not even loaded — because of a badly infected finger. He was sent to Hungary, where he set up tank traps and saw Jews being herded to death camps. He deserted in April 1944 and spent a few weeks in a prisoner of war camp.

He has since said that although he was opposed to the Nazi regime, any open resistance would have been futile — comments echoed this weekend by his elder brother Georg, a retired priest ordained along with the cardinal in 1951.

“Resistance was truly impossible,” Georg Ratzinger said. “Before we were conscripted, one of our teachers said we should fight and become heroic Nazis and another told us not to worry as only one soldier in a thousand was killed. But neither of us ever used a rifle against the enemy.”

Some locals in Traunstein, like Elizabeth Lohner, 84, whose brother-in-law was sent to Dachau as a conscientious objector, dismiss such suggestions. “It was possible to resist, and those people set an example for others,” she said. “The Ratzingers were young and had made a different choice.”

In 1937 another family a few hundred yards away in Traunstein hid Hans Braxenthaler, a local resistance fighter. SS troops repeatedly searched homes in the area looking for the fugitive and his fellow conspirators.

“When he was betrayed and the Nazis came for him, Braxenthaler shot himself because he knew he couldn’t escape,” said Frieda Meyer, 82, Ratzinger’s neighbour and childhood friend. “Even though they had tortured him in Dachau concentration camp he refused to give up his resistance efforts.”

Despite question marks over Ratzinger’s wartime conduct, the main obstacle to his prospects in the conclave — the assembly of cardinals to elect the new pope — is the conservative stance he has adopted as guardian of Catholic orthodoxy since John Paul named him to head the congregation for the doctrine of the faith in 1981.

His condemnations are legion — of women priests, married priests, dissident theologians and homosexuals, whom he has declared to be suffering from an “objective disorder”.

He upset many Jews with a statement in 1987 that Jewish history and scripture reach fulfilment only in Christ — a position denounced by critics as “theological anti-semitism”. He made more enemies among other religions in 2000, when he signed a document, Dominus Jesus, in which he argued: “Only in the Catholic church is there eternal salvation”.

Some of his staunchest critics are in Germany. A recent poll in Der Spiegel, the news magazine, showed opponents of a Ratzinger papacy outnumbered supporters by 36% to 29%.

As one western cardinal who was in two minds about him put it: “He would probably be a great pope, but I have no idea how I would explain his election back home.”

One liberal theologian,when asked what he thought of a Ratzinger papacy, was more direct: “It fills me with horror.”

I'm back (from outer space)

2005-04-19T11:19:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted in awile, but I've been kinda busy lately with work, school, hangovers, and such. And really, I didn't have much to blog about until today when I noticed this picture:

Bette Shober (L) and Joanne Vrablik (R) take a closer look at what people believe to be an image of the Virgin Mary under a freeway underpass in Chicago, April 18, 2005. Police said the image might have been caused by stains from road salt that dripped from the Kennedy expressway onto the wall, but hundreds of believers have been coming to the underpass to view the image and pray at the spot. REUTERS/John Gress

-------------------------------------------------

Now is it just me, or does that stain more closely resemble a part of a woman’s anatomy more so than it resembles the Virgin Mary?

I just love the fact that these people are lighting candles and praying in front of a giant vagina.

Ah, you kooky Christians. I hope you never change.

ADMIN NOTE:

2005-04-16T07:59:00.000-04:00

I'm doing a little testing. When I get back and have no job, I will be moving Dinner for two. And Nogh. and No Time For Later (and possibly Madness and Mayhem if the Mysterious Lubba D wants me to) to my own domain. This means that I will also be doing my own page designs for them and I want to test some things out before I move them.

Is this page loading any faster for you guys?

Who the Hell is Ben Holder? (A retelling of the Ben Holder story since I deleted it way back when)

2005-04-16T07:55:00.000-04:00

My name is not Ben Holder. It's Kris. In real life it's Kris too, but that's a coincidence. The Mysterious Lubba D is not my sister's real name though.

When we were children, before the events I talked about at No Time For Later, we were VERY happy kids. I would say we fought like cats & dogs, but that would be untrue. We fought like cats & dogs if cats didn't run away from dogs so often. Despite this fact we had a lot of fun. When we were done fighting, though, inevitably I would go away from it licking my wounds and play with my imaginary friends. As if it wasn't bad enough that my sister is 5 years older than me and beat me mercilessly, my mother would chew both of us out. I got the short side of the stick. So I took it out, along with everything else that didn't go my way, on Ben Holder.

I had two imaginary friends, X and Ben Holder. X was from the planet X. Ben Holder was a construction worker. I don't know how he got the job at such a young age, but I guess he was talented. That didn't count for much with me; X was my best friend. I don't remember ever having fond feelings for Ben Holder. I wound up banishing Ben Holder to his home planet, E. I don't know why I named planets after letters, but I suppose it had to do with trippy Sesame Street antics.

Anyway, up to his banishing and subsequently me not playing with him anymore, Ben Holder was always there for me. In my first post ever on this blog, then called Dinner for two, I dedicated this blog to my sister, the memory of my grandfather, and to Ben Holder.

A Duck

2005-04-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

Kris said I have to blog more often. So, here's a picture of a duck.

Simply Irresistible

2005-04-14T09:38:00.000-04:00

Some of you may remember last month I started what I had hoped would be a regular feature here at "Dinner for two. And Nogh." called "Stories from Iraq." Unfortunately, there hasn't been anything funny or noteworthy to write about since then, with the exception of those things for which you have to be there. I haven't even seen the goatherd again. I could tell you a story in which I made a bunch of people upset by announcing that EVERY triangle has 180 degrees, but that would get dull REALLY quick. I am really disappointed at the lack of humor in this here warzone. I'm not giving up on the idea just yet, but time is growing short...

So, in an effort to come up with something humorous and with minimal work (a la Pops), I did a Google Image search for "ridiculous picture." Most of the images that the search returned were people in odd poses, but nothing with that special brand of funny that I was looking for. Well, except for the fact that the fourth top return was this picture:

O'the irony. That picture came in #4 on the Google ridiculous picture rating system of about 11,100 pictures. I couldn't pass up posting that. See for yourself:

http://images.google.com/images?q=ridiculous%20picture&hl=en&lr=&sa=N&tab=wi

Oh and one last thing: I'd like to thank all you hoople-heads, cocksuckers and fuckers that recommended Deadwood. It's a truly entertaining show and I haven't even tried Brent's drinking game yet.

I am the Blogfather

2005-04-12T01:21:00.000-04:00

For those of you that don't know me, for shame. I am the bizwhack, the bees knees, the cat's ass, the man, and the shiznit all rolled in one. That makes me the bizwheesat'sassmiznit haderach (I get to add "haderach" because I knew that Brad Dourif played the Harkonnen Mentat, Piter DeVries, in David Lynch's film adaptation of Dune). But you can call me the Blogfather for short. Don't test me.

Our loyal reader here may have noticed that his least favorite blog, "Dinner For Two. And Nogh." hasn't been updated in a while. That's basically because I have been frustrated with the comments and working on them with the Mysterious Lubba D. We've locked Nogh in the basement for a while. I'll let you know when we let her out. If she starts posting before then, she's escaped. If you are in the law enforcement industry, then by all means try to detain her, otherwise keep a wide berth and, if possible, run like the wind.

So what makes me so special? Why do I stand out amongst my fellow people? Well, actually, you're wrong, I don't have "fellow people." That would suppose that in some form or fashion I am actually equal to them in some way. No, I am head and shoulders above them in every way.

I have figured out how to work with style sheets and html without any training, without reading any books, and without any help at all. That's not all though. I made Blogger comments and Haloscan comments work together. The good people at Blogger and Haloscan aren't even sure how to do this, or at least don't want anyone to do it, if they do know. They certainly haven't posted any How To's on the subject, though Blogger did hint at it. The Mysterious Lubba D pointed me to a "help" article written by Blogger that led me to the answer, albeit indirectly.

Anyway, eat my shorts, Blogger. I have conquered, and the next time your comments begin to act up, my readers will be able to continue to comment. And to prove that I have conquered thee, I will recreate this effect on "No Time For Later."

Fundraising

2005-04-07T00:49:00.000-04:00

Tom DeLay, if you want to see your dentures again, send that $500,000 that you "paid" your wife and children to the Buy Pops a Chin fund.

Today's theme: bananas

2005-04-05T10:04:00.000-04:00

The following stories are brought to you today by this website, but I have conveniently copied & pasted them here.

Friday, March 18, 2005 (AP)
Police Charge Man for Flashing With Banana
(03-18) 04:42 PST Greenwich, Conn. (AP) --

A former Stamford police officer has been charged with lewd conduct involving a toy banana. Arthur Bertana, 62, who had been on probation forlewd conduct more than four years ago, was arrested Saturday after police said he placed a toy banana in his pants and flashed people. Bertana was charged with breach of peace and interfering with a police officer. "Over a span of time, there were several reports of a subject wearing extremely tight pants with an obvious bulge stuffed down his pants," Sgt.Roger Petrone Jr. said Wednesday. Bertana would allegedly greet passersby on the busy street while trying to draw attention, Petrone said. At times, he placed a bag in front of his pants, then moved it and show the bulge, he said. "It was a yellow, plush, child's toy banana," Petrone said. "It had a smiley face on it." Bertana was released on a $5,000 bond for a March 21 appearance in Stamford Superior Court in Stamford.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 (AP)
Robber Jailed After Using Banana As Weapon
(03-16) 08:51 PST LONDON, United Kingdom (AP) --

Robert Downey had the mask and the attitude to be a successful robber. But he ruined the effect when he tried to stage a hold-up at his local bookmaker's shop — using a banana. Noting the suspicious bend in the so-called "weapon," the clerk calmly called the police and on Wednesday, Downey was jailed for nearly seven years for attempted robbery. Prosecutors at the trial at Southwark Crown Court in London said Downey, a drug addict, hatched his scheme to buy more crack. Donning a mask, he headed for the bookmaker's shop, pausing only to get a banana from the green grocer on the way. In the bookmaker's, he pointed the fruit wrapped in a plastic bag, screaming, "I want the money or I will (expletive) shoot you." This did not produce the desired effect: assistant Peter Humphrey calmly turned to a colleague and said: "He said he has a gun, but it might be a banana." Downey then produced a pair of scissors, "but seeing no money was going to be handed over he ran out of the shop," said prosecutor Patrick Cahill. When police arrived they found the 24-year-old nearby trying to pull off his over-tight balaclava. A police dog found the badly bruised banana still in its bag nearby. Downey, of Chatham, south of London, pleaded guilty to one count of attempted robbery at William Claridges Ltd. in Tower Hamlets, east London, in November. He also admitted possessing an imitation firearm. "You did say, although it may seem comic now but not quite so comic at the time, that in the bag was a firearm," Justice Paul Dodgson told Downey. "As it's been pointed out by your counsel that was an attempt that met with no success. Indeed, your victims having guessed what it was, it was never going to succeed." Downey's lawyer, Rajiv Menon, called the robbery attempt "farcical and incompetent." "We have to face facts. It was a banana, not even a plastic gun, or something that even looked like a gun. Not only that, but neither of the bookies was scared."

And the last story comes from this site.

Bananas Becoming Extinct

It is one of the world's favorite fruits, but the banana hasn't had sex in years and its days may be numbered. Without scientific help the sterile, seedless fruit could disappear with 10 years, according to a Belgian plant pathologist. Emile Frison, the head of the International Network for the Improvement of Banana and Plantain in Monpellier, France, said the fruit lacks the genetic diversity to fight off diseases and pests that are plaguing banana plantations and only biotechnology and genetic manipulation may be able to save it." Frison sees it as the only hope for the banana," New Scientist said on Wednesday. Without assistance banana production could drop and mark the beginning of the end of the fruit." We may even see the extinction of the banana as both a lifesaver for hungry and impoverished Africans and as the most popular product on the world's supermarket shelves," the magazine added.

To beat a Deadwood

2005-04-05T07:34:00.000-04:00

What is it about network television programming that sucks so badly? I haven't seen a show on television that didn't just outright suck since Ed, one of the the only really good network shows I've ever watched. That includes Knight Rider, The A-team, and The Dukes of Hazzard. Unbunch your panties, I'm not saying that there weren't plenty of shows that were entertaining. After all, I just made a post modeled after 24. Obviously, many people would be upset if I failed to recognize that Seinfeld and The Simpsons are funny.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about shows on HBO. What is it about shows on HBO and my fascination with them. So far, of all the recent shows on HBO, I've only disliked Da Ali G Show. Even that show has its moments. I actually own all of The Sopranos seasons that have been released on DVD, the Band Of Brothers mini-series, both of the Six Feet Under Seasons, and the first season of Da Ali G Show. The only other two television shows I have are the first season of Twin Peaks, and Chapelle's Show (I'll be getting the second season when I get back if my girlfriend likes it too). I'll probably wind up buying every season of Sex & the City on DVD for my girlfriend.

I've always liked things that come in series; I own all of the Star Wars movies, all of the Indiana Jones movies, all three special extended editions of The Lord of the Rings, all of the Alien movies, both Predator movies, all three Matrix movies (yes, I like all of them too, and I might buy the Animatrix, eventually), both Resident Evil movies, both Fast and the Furious movies (gifts, they pretty much suck) and I plan to buy all of the James Bond and Bruce Lee box sets. I am sure that there are more series that I own and plan to buy that I haven't mentioned because they just didn't spring to mind. Anyway, I think this is why I bought the HBO series. I don't think this is why I enjoy them.

My guess is that I enjoy them because they are just better shows. The writers for these shows actually have to write the show. They aren't there to fill the space between commercials. I am already planning on buying Oz. Lately, a lot of you have been talking about Deadwood. It seems there is a consensus that no one knows what is really going on. One of my favorite movies, Lost Highway by David Lynch (also responsible for Twin Peaks) is like that. Should I pass or should I get Deadwood too?

Throwing the towel in

2005-04-02T00:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Blogger's unreliable at best comment scheme, I have broken down and added HaloScan to the mix. Since I cannot seriously consider losing all of your wonderful comments, I am leaving the Blogger comment scheme intact (well, insofar as Blogger is intact). Now you just have a choice on what method you want to use.

UPDATE: I have no idea how to make HaloScan recognize the difference between posts. Can anyone enlighten me?

Recognizing Nogh

2005-04-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take a moment to stop and recognize Nogh for her hard work here at Dinner For Two. And Nogh.

Thanks to Nogh's efforts, we are now ranked number 3 by Google for "Disgusting News Story." Yay!

In celebration of this achievement, The Mysterious Lubba D will pick up Nogh's next bar tab.

Jambalaya

2005-04-01T06:40:00.000-05:00

Rupert Jaenicke, wash your hair.

I hope they catch this guy. I want to know the name of the guy that FoxNews.com referred to as a "turd burglar." Also, if you're going to get naked and hide in a locker, use your own locker, people. But if you want to get naked and actually play in a sports event, you can sign up for the Lingerie Bowl. I wish I had come up with that idea. The guy who did is one successful entrepreneur. I bet he's an asshole.

Also, I know that Brent already mentioned it, but I want to express my sadness that Mitch Hedberg has died. You may have seen him on Comedy Central or on The Letterman Show. He was my favorite comedian.

Since I've been over here, lots of my favorite people have started dying. In the interest of finding a silver lining, I am taking out life insurance policies on all of you. Just go ahead and sign them and send them back to me when you get them in your mailboxes.

CNN reports that an elephant at the Alaska Zoo is going to get a treadmill. Exactly how fat does an elephant have to be to require a treadmill? Apparently Maggie the elephant is WAY too fat. Luckily, some guy that owns a conveyor belt building company has offered to build one for her. Wait, wait, wait! "Don't do it!" I say. It's treadmills one day and "Elephant Next Top Model" the next. Really, people, as long as Maggie is secure with her body we don't need to do this.

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

-Mitch Hedberg

SissyFight2000

2005-03-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

If you want some free, legal, online entertainment, go play this game. It doesn't take long to play, and the premise is awesome. You are a girl on the playground playing with up to five other girls. Your goal: to humiliate and ruin the self-esteem of the other girls by grabbing, teasing and scratching them until only two of you are left. But be careful that you don't get tattled on or choke while licking your lolly. Try it out -- there's nothing else quite like it except for maybe a second-grade playground in an all-girl Catholic school.

I do bite my thumb, sir.

2005-03-31T09:06:00.000-05:00

My dearest Mysterious Lubba D has decided to throw down the gauntlet.

Let it be known that

1) In total pluggings I have plugged more times than she, not only for MPH, but for everyone else as well. (Resist the urge to use the word "butt" in response to this point or my wrath will be great, indeed).

2) In total readings, I have read all of the posts where she has not, not only for MPH, but for most of you as well.

3) In accomodating your requests, I have fulfilled or am fulfilling more than she, not only for MPH, but for everyone else as well.

Post moved.

2005-03-31T08:38:00.000-05:00

Ha! It wasn't easy, but I got your image, Cricket, and now I can link you at the top.

I moved the rest of this post to No Time For Later. It was pretty much an ass-kicker of a post. I still maintain my innocence.

This is the longest day of blog life.

2005-03-31T03:01:00.000-05:00

I hope you all don't mind that I haven't been posting lately. Nogh and Mysterious Lubba D have taken up the slack while I play with the template. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do what I'm doing due to copyright, but I'm going to do what I'm doing due to the fact that I like it, at least until I am told to stop.

The following takes place between the hours of 3:00 am and 4:00 am:

Basically, I'm putting links up there to people's blogs that comment here. Steph is the exception because I can't pass up putting a picture of her "toe-riffic" socks permanently on our blog. What this means is that you now have an obligation to comment, Steph. Either that or I will conduct terrorist activities that will cause mass casualties to your foot apparel.

The following takes place between the hours of 4:00 am and 5:00 am:

I've finally figured out what's been bothering me since I first read Pops' blog. I am dropping the dime. He's an imposter. Look at his picture. See it? Here, I'll post it for you:

Do you see it yet? For those of you that answered "No," I will enlighten you. That is not a bucket at all. It's a PAIL. He's been misleading us all along. For shame. Pops, if this got into the wrong hands it could cost you the election to most popular blog. Listen very closely, I want you to shamelessly plug "Dinner For Two. And Nogh" or I will take this to the press and you WILL lose your shot at the election.

The following occurs between the hours of 5:00 am and 6:00 am:

Today MPH named The Mysterious Lubba D as his favorite blogger. How quickly he forgets those who are working to get him what he wants (2/4 solutions). MPH, I've got your link hostage. You've got 30 minutes to call a press conference. Think about it. Tic-toc.

The following occurs betwee - okay enough of that.

The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death

2005-03-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

This is perhaps the greatest story ever told. (Sorry Blog Jesus, but it's true.) I encourage each and every one of you to rush out to your nearest bookseller and purchase a copy of Daniel Pinkwater's 5 Novels and immerse yourself in this literary masterpiece.

Here's a brief synopsis.

The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death
By Daniel Pinkwater

Like Alan Mendelsohn, the Boy from Mars, this novel starts out by establishing a fairly concrete, mostly normal world--and then kicks the weirdness into high gear. It concerns Walter Galt and Winston Bongo, two students at an educational warehouse called Genghis Khan High School. Like Alan Mendelsohn and Leonard Neeble, our heroes are bored with the low quality instruction they are getting; unlike them, they confine their rebellion to after hours.

Well after hours, like after midnight. Snarking out, it develops, involves getting up around 1 AM, sneaking out of your apartment building, catching the Snark Avenue bus to the Snark Avenue theater, and there watching old movies for several hours.

And so it goes, until, while solo-snarking one night, Walter meets a bohemian young lady named Bentley Saunders Harrison Matthews (Rat-face to her friends). And then Bentley's eccentric Uncle Flipping disappears--and he's an old friend of Walter's father, and one of the few men in the world who's really sound on the subject of avocados. And...

But that would be telling. Suffice it to say that you'll like it if you read it.

Buy it, read it, and discuss.

Tom DeLay SHOCKER!

2005-03-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've met some pricks in my day, but he takes the cake. The balls on this guy.

A hypocrite in the House?

Over the course of the last two weeks, House Majority Leader has referred to the withdrawal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube as "barbarism," "murder" and an "act of judicial terrorism." A question one might ask: If withholding life support from Schiavo is such a crime, why did DeLay acquiesce in the decision to withhold life support from his own father in 1988?

As the Los Angeles Times reported over the weekend, DeLay's father, Charles Ray DeLay, was gravely injured in 1988 in an accident involving a homemade tram that was supposed to carry family members from the DeLays' home to a lake down a steep hillside.

DeLay, then a third-term congressman, flew home to be at his father's bedside. Weeks later, as the elder DeLay's organ began to fail, the family decided to deny the man treatments that would have extended his life. The congressman "went along" with that decision, his mother told the Times.

DeLay refused to talk to the Times about the case. A spokesman told the paper: "The situation faced by the congressman's family was entirely different than Terri Schiavo's." The spokesman meant that DeLay's father needed "a ventilator and other machines to sustain him," while Schiavo "only" needs a feeding tube. But the DeLays' situation was different in another way, too: When the DeLays were forced to confront their own horrible decision, they were able to do so peacefully and in private -- without a member of Congress using their pain to score political points and accusing them of murder in the process.

-- Tim Grieve

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!

2005-03-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

I've been in such an artsy mood lately. I doubt it has anything to do with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, which has occupied my free time away from work. I made this in response to the Mysterious Lubba D's post:

It took maybe two minutes, but I like it. Well It looked better before I shrunk it. I should have saved it in big form too. You could tell that is bamboo in the background in the big version too.

I wanted to make something for Charles Dee also, but his pictures aren't working. Maybe he crapstomped them.

In other news, along with appeasing my love for Disco/Funk , I've been listening to a lot of Jazz. It's not surprising that I like Jazz given that I grew up so near to New Orleans. What is surprising is that my love for Jazz has nothing to do with New Orleans. It's all about Tom & Jerry. Weird, innit? Skibby dibby doo da be bop do wop.

Today I found out that Slim Goodbody still exists and actually tours the country. That guy is a lucky nut. His entire job consists of being a walking, talking anatomy model and talking to kids about eating right. I can tell you first hand that kids don't give a shit what is in food or what it does to you as long as it tastes good. So really his job is just being a walking, talking anatomy model.

He's nowhere near as bad as Matthew Lesko, but then again, no one is. His job is to annoy me. I don't understand how this guy has a family. I swear if anyone from my family ever acted like that on national television I'd never speak to them again. His kids are teenagers. Sorry, kids. I feel even worse for the wife. I'm not even going to try to picture the sex life life there.

Mysterious Lubba D just posted about Easter and religion. We are not becoming more conservative as a nation. The conservatives are just flapping their gums more. Soon they're going to make me get out my wiffle bat.

I'm going to go photoshop some more. I will be thinking of clever things to say too.

Easter

2005-03-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

The coolest part of Easter for me is chocolate bunnies and Elmer's candy. For those of you who are not from Louisiana, I must tell you that there is nothing on earth quite like Elmer's Gold Brick Eggs. These are the creamiest chocolate eggs known to man, and although they contain pecans which I abhor, I can still eat them because they are just that good.

What I don't understand about Easter, however, is what happened to it. It used to be either a chocolate fest if your family wasn't really into the religious thing, or either a solemn or celebratory day in honor of the resurrection of Jesus. Now, not only is it one or the other, but it's also somehow been tied to our soldiers in Iraq and whether Newsweek and Time should have their religion staff writers writing more articles about religion. Evidently, if magazines feature Jesus on the cover during the Lent/Easter season, they sell more copies. I guess that as we move more and more into the conservative realms of society, there is actually question about whether we should incorporate more religion into the mainstream?

Happy Easter everyone

2005-03-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

May your Cadbury Eggs be creamy, and your Peeps marshmallowy.

All Clear! (AKA Lubba Dubbed "Mysterious Lubba D")

2005-03-27T03:56:00.000-05:00

I am not going to tell you anything about my sister. Instead she will transcend the bloggish bounds of the Lubba and realize her full potential as the "Mysterious Lubba D". I have unleashed her upon the world. Grovel, fools.

Pops has beaten me to the punch with his rating system. I was in the process of creating a "1-10" system in which 1 was Kenny G, and 10 was Louis Armstrong, but that's just been nipped in the bud. I am going to have to start protecting my buds better.

I just ate a croissant that tasted horrible. Listen bakers of the world, do not market white bread croissants. No one wants to bite into an otherwise tempting croissant and taste Wonder bread. I don't care how much butter you use, it's not the same thing.

Gas! Gas! Gas!

2005-03-27T03:27:00.000-05:00

Here I sit all broken hearted.

I tried to blog but FB just farted.

Yay! Port-o-Poetry introduced and made applicable to the blogosphere! Stay tuned to see what depths I'll sink to when the cloud has cleared and I return! Maybe I'll remake the above poem into a haiku. Ok I have to get some air.

The Lubba Tells All

2005-03-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

Well, maybe not all, but I will tell you some things about Kris, and will give you hints on how to find out even more.

1. He encouraged our younger sister to eat cat food, and she did it.
2. He had 2 imaginary friends, Ben Holder, and X. Ask him what happened to them.
3. He played soccer in school and was very good at it.
4. He loved Masters of the Universe as a kid.
5. He also loved GI Joe. Ask him what happened to Snake Eyes.
6. He got in trouble for lots of stuff when he was little, but there is one favorite of mine. He wrote "Jim Baskett is a bastard" on the hardwood floor in permanent marker, accompanied by a picture of Jim. For the record, Jim Baskett was our landlord.
7. Ask him what Play-Doh smells like.
8. His first crush was on a girl named Natalie. He was 4.
9. He knows less 80s music trivia than I do, but probably knows more 90s music trivia than me.
10. Our maternal grnadmother's nickname for him when he was little was Kristopher Rotten.

Baby Ruth?

2005-03-24T04:34:00.000-05:00

Can anyone tell me what the hell is wrong with Tom Delay? Is he upset because he strongly resembles Sloth?

I normally don’t post much about politics, as I’ve said, but I just couldn’t resist today. Tom Delay is incredible. He compared Terri Schiavo’s condition to his own situation in this article, and I just want to talk about some of the things he said.

“I tell you, ladies and gentlemen, one thing God has brought to us is Terri Schiavo to elevate the visibility of what's going on in America. That Americans would be so barbaric as to pull a feeding tube out of a person that is lucid and starve them to death for two weeks.” First, he refers to Terri Schiavo’s condition as a good thing, a gift from God. Somehow, I don’t think her family members see it that way. Next he referred to fellow Americans as barbarians. Feel the unity just oozing from this man? Then he referred to her as lucid. You see, Mr. Delay, the whole debate arises from the fact that she can’t decide for herself whether or not she wants to use the tube. She is a vegetable, not lucid at all.

"This is exactly the kind of issue that's going on in America, that attacks against the conservative moment, against me and against many others. The point is, the other side has figured out how to win and to defeat the conservative movement, and that is to go after people personally, charge them with frivolous charges, link up with all these do-gooder organizations funded by George Soros, and then get the national media on their side.” Umm. Okay. How did you arrive at this conclusion? Again, I don’t think her family members feel like this is an attack on the “conservative movement.” Shouldn’t “do-gooder” organizations be supported? Are you just upset that you don’t have the “national media” on your side? Your side is opposed to do-gooders? I am confused. How did you get elected again?

Throughout the article it seems that Mr. Delay has forgotten that the issue is who should be able to make the decision as to whether or not Mrs. Schiavo continues to receive life support, not Republican vs. Democrat or Conservative vs. Liberal propaganda. I can’t recall a better example of why I hate politics. Where else would you get to see someone stooping so low in an attempt to manipulate events to serve his own agenda? Besides Nazi Germany and MPH Indiana, I mean.

Everybody Get Down, Hooah!

2005-03-24T00:38:00.000-05:00

For the past few days I've been a little down in the dumps. I have been unable to communicate with my girlfriend with the exception of email. Normally that wouldn't be a big deal, but I haven't seen her in four years.

Two songs that never fail to cheer me up: "Open Sesame" (the best song on the planet) by Kool & the Gang and "I Believe in Miracles" by Hot Chocolate. Today I realized that I have my Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack with me here in Iraq, and "Open Sesame" is on that CD.

Today you can throw as many Steve Gutenberg pictures at me as you want; I've got that song on repeat. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT YOU MUST HEAR THAT SONG. It should be mandatory listening for high school students during summer break. You shouldn't be able to go to a bingo hall where it's not in the song rotation at least twice. They should play it on headphones for Terry Schiavo. It's that good. Get on your camel and ride.

I am confused about FB. I may have been wrong about him all along, but if so, it’s even worse. Today, as that unfortunately oh so familiar odor wafted towards me, I detected a minty smell accompanying the deadly vapor. He had just put some gum in his mouth and it occurred to me that I might have had the wrong orifice pegged. It smelled like something came from the bottom end of the funk beast, but I am not so sure now. The mintyness was PART of the cloud; there weren’t two separate smells. I just don’t see how it’s possible for something that smells that bad to be originating from a human mouth.

Just to make the proclamation public, I am officially in MPH’s camp again. Visit his site, pending sundaes. Also make sure you visit SJ’s blog. She’s the Blog Muse. Jethro has gone too far. He has attempted to shine a negative light on “moral bankruptcy” and sociopathy. When confronted, he hid behind a shield of necrophilia. You’d think he was Catholic or something.

How’s that for drivel?

New addition to my awesome tee-shirt collection

2005-03-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

I think I love this one most of all.

Also, Kris - I need you to send me your address. I found one that I KNOW you'll love.

Since Kris likes him so much.....

2005-03-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

....I now present the Guttenchest!

Celebrating our N/Ath post here at Dinner for Two. And Nogh.

2005-03-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

I hadn't really planned on making a big spectacle of this, but really, when you think about it, this is a monumental achievement. Looking back at all the hard work that the Lubba, Nogh and I've done, it's great to see that we've come so far. In celebration, I'm going to be playing 18 years worth of Kool & the Gang, KC and the Sunshine Band, and Funkadelic songs as soon as Amazon sees fit to fill my order.

I'd like to thank all of our readers for your support and I'd like to ask one thing of all of you: Download "Open Sesame" by Kool & the Gang from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, and listen to it. If you already own that CD, +10 points for you.

Now that we've reached this wondrous landmark, I'd like to begin looking ahead. It is time to forge our path to 1. To those of you who have surpassed your 100th post, I can only admire your dedication.

In blogosphere related news, I've devised a way to meet two of MPH's four requests. I can facilitate tea and crumpets from Lee Marvin and also Jesus delivering a pizza. Unfortunately these things will be very expensive and my girlfriend will not approve, so you will have to wait until I have some casheesh to spend. Don't worry about my girlfriend. She'll accept it eventually.

Sorry for the short post, kids, but I've got to start working on getting an extension for my taxes today.

Most disgusting news story of the year!

2005-03-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ever wanna drink your own sweat and/or pee? Well, urine luck!

Astronauts' sweat provides water for drinking

WASHINGTON (AP) -- How do you quench someone's thirst when there is plenty of water, but not a drop of it is drinkable?

It's a question NASA researchers have pondered for nearly two decades, but villagers in Iraq and tsunami victims in Asia will get a taste of their answer as early as this fall -- before any astronaut in space does.

The Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama, has been testing a device intended for the space station that would recycle astronauts' sweat, respiration and even urine into drinking water purer than any found in a tap.

"They just breathe and exercise, urinate into the urinal and our system handles the rest," said Robyn Carrasquillo, chief of the environmental control and life support division at Marshall.
It could be two years before the water system -- as large as two refrigerators -- is loaded onto a shuttle to serve an American astronaut and Russian cosmonaut living in space. But smaller and simpler versions will soon be put to use on earth.

Reno, Nevada-based investment firm Crestridge and the charity Concern for Kids are developing the systems for humanitarian purposes in nations lacking a reliable water supply, starting with Iraq and countries in southeast Asia.

"There are 1.8 billion people who have never had a drink of fresh water," said Kevin Chambers, Crestridge's managing director. "Our mission is grand, but we've got to start somewhere and sometime -- and now is the time."

Rocket scientists trying to sustain life in space and humanitarians trying to increase the quality of life in third world countries kept running into the same problem -- a lack of clean but affordable drinking water.

Bottles of fresh water cost as much as U.S. $0.39 (euro0.29) a liter (U.S. $1.50; euro1.13, a gallon). Each weighs 3.6 kilos (8 pounds), so the fees skyrocket when they're transported across the planet -- let alone beyond the stratosphere.

Robert Anderson, vice president and international projects director for Concern for Kids, said he began looking into water recycling technology two years ago because of the huge expenses necessary to carry water to Iraqi villages by tanker truck.

"I got to thinking, 'There's got to be a better way,"' he said. Eventually, he reached the company that held the patent on the technology being developed for the space agency.

For U.S. $29,000 (euro21,780) in equipment costs and less than U.S. $0.0079 (euro0.0059) a liter (U.S. $0.03; euro0.02 a gallon), a trailer-mounted recycling device can travel from village to village, turning a well's unclean water into something suitable for drinking. Larger, stationery systems equipped with packaging plants cost around U.S. $400,000 (euro300,460).
Researchers at Windsor Locks, Connecticut-based Hamilton Sundstrand, the lead contractor of the water processor for NASA, only recently learned their filtration technology is being put into action at home before it heads to the space station.

"It was a total surprise to us -- not that it's a stretch," said Bob Aaron, the company's program manager for the processor.

Next month, Crestridge plans to break ground on the first manufacturing plant for the earth-based water processing devices. By September, it hopes to send 10 truck-mounted and at least three trailer devices to Iraq and 12 of the larger packaging units to southeast Asia.
NASA's timetable is somewhat less ambitious; the water processor is targeted for a shuttle launch in mid-2007.

The space station had to reduce its permanent residents from three to two after the Columbia disaster grounded American shuttles, which had carried tanks of water to the astronauts living there.

Now the astronaut and cosmonaut are living off water brought up by the Russian spacecraft, which also includes a device that catches some respiration and recycles it into limited amounts of drinking water. No urine recycler has ever been used in space.

Although the NASA technology is virtually finished, it still must undergo several more tests to make sure it can withstand a launch.

Find this article at: http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/space/03/21/space.sweat.ap/index.html

Best news story of the year!

2005-03-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

Teenage Mutant Satan Turtle!

Pet store owner: Satan's image on turtle's shell

MICHIGANTOWN, Indiana (AP) -- A turtle that was the only survivor of a pet shop fire may have emerged with a hellish memento. The palm-sized red-eared slider turtle, named Lucky, was the only animal to survive a fire last October at Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop in nearby Frankfort, about 40 miles northwest of Indianapolis.

Owner Bryan Dora now says he sees an image of Satan's face on the critter's shell. He can spot lips, eyes, a goatee, shoulders and a pair of pointy horns on Lucky's back.

"The marking on the shell was like the devil wanted us to know he was down there," Bryan Dora said. "To me, it's too coincidental that the only thing to come out unscathed would have this image on it."

The image was not visible before the fire and Dora speculates the intense heat might have caused the shell's color to change. The turtle is healthy and there was no change in its behavior, he said.

The cause of fire that destroyed nine businesses or offices in the 1912 building in downtown Frankfort has not been determined.

"Turtles can hold their breath quite awhile," Dora said. "He may have taken one breath just before and held it through the fire. Except that the fire went on and on for hours."
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Find this article at: http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/21/evil.turtle.ap/index.html

Stories from Iraq, vol. 1

2005-03-19T11:57:00.000-05:00

I've decided to post some stories of things that have happened to me so far in Iraq that I find amusing, unique, unusual, or just funny here. It's up to you which category they fall under.

The Shepherd.

I ride the bus to work everyday. I vary my schedule so that it's not predictable. Unfortunately there's only one route, so I'm stuck with it. I am not authorized to have a vehicle. Even if I was, I'd have to have authorization for gas, which is even harder to get than a vehicle. So I ride the bus.

There are some things that I find enjoyable about the bus. Sometimes the radio plays some great music. At the same time every morning, just across the wire, a shepherd walks his flock to somewhere unknown. If I ride the bus at that time, I get to see him and his flock. I used to enjoy watching them pass.

Although I interact with the Iraqi people as little as possible (so far I've only spoken to one, better to be safe than sorry), the soldiers tell me that they are very friendly people, aside from the insurgents. Apparently, the shepherd is one of those very friendly people, and tries to sell sheep to the Americans at one of the gates for $2.00 each.

One morning, on a day that I rode the bus at the same time as the shepherd was walking his flock, friendly took on a whole new meaning. As the bus neared the wire, one of the soldiers on the bus got excited and started pointing at the shepherd and shouting "That's him! That's the guy I was telling you about!" According to his story, the soldier works the gate pretty often. He's one of the Americans to whom the shepherd has tried to sell the sheep. On one occasion the shepherd went out near the gate, but didn't approach the guards. Instead, he got near the gate and showed his love for his sheep. That's right, he dropped his pants and he loved his sheep. Barry White was on the radio when we passed the flock. Bearing in mind the communication gap with the local nationals, it makes me wonder what you really get for $2.00.

I hate Friendster

2005-03-14T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, I have a Friendster profile. For those that don't know about it, Friendster is sort of an online database where you can catalog all of your friends. Then you can see who they are friends with, and who THEY are friends with, and so on and so on. It's sort of like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, only with real people and no crappy movies.

One of the features of Friendster is that you can search the database for members in your area, and you can send those members messages via Friendster. They allow you to specify whether you're interested in meeting people for dating, and even though I didn't check that option, it hasn't stopped me from receiving creepy/desperate/pathetic messages from people wanting to know if I'm interested meeting for a little casual sex. (Seriously, I've gotten tons of those).

So this past Thursday I get an email from Friendster alerting me to the fact that someone has sent me a new message. I check my Friendster inbox and this particular message isn't creepy at all. In fact, it's a politely written and properly punctuated request from a guy asking if I'd like to talk via AIM or ICQ sometime. I check the guy's profile and he's actually cute, and we seem to have more than a few common interests. In fact, he's just my type.

So I email him back and explain that I don't use instant messaging and give him my email address, inviting him to contact me that way. This was Thursday, today is Monday, and so far I've gotten no email from him.

I feel so rejected!

Now, I’m a rational adult and I realize that I’ve never met this guy so I have no reason to feel put out by this. But somewhere deep inside me still lurks that sixteen-old-girl who used to wait by the phone hoping the boy she was crushing on would call, and that girl is sad. She’s very, very sad.

Save the cat!

2005-03-14T09:29:00.000-05:00

EDIT: I changed the time to reflect the order that was posted. Damn time difference.

Alrighty then. Since my near Tourette's Syndrome-like outburst, several people have politely asked why I am in Iraq. Well, I'm not going to tell you that per se, but I will tell you that I got very lucky and was offered this job just before I got out of the army. If it wasn't for the fact that the love of my life has now come back into my life and is not here, I'd still feel that way. Instead, I will tell you some facts about life here as a contractor that you may find interesting. Probably not, but you did ask.

The showers, thankfully, are not community showers. They are in a community shower trailer, but the showers themselves are in stalls. For the most part the latrine trailers, separate from the shower trailers, are pretty funky. Luckily, the ones near my habitation trailer are clean. I make toilet seat covers out of several layers of TP to be on the safe side, though.

My diet is really poor. Kellogg, Brown & Root (KBR), a subsidiary of Halliburton (don't get me started on that) have NO idea how to prepare tasty, yet healthy food for the troops. Instead, KBR has opted to provide tasty food. It isn't really all that tasty either, but it is a step above T-rations (army tactical nastiness known as chow). When I was in Afghanistan, Brown & Root (this was before Kellogg came along and screwed things up, I guess) made some truly OUTSTANDING food. Anyway, the end result is that I can't eat like I'd like here.

There is a Burger King, Pizza Hut and Subway on one of the posts here. At first I thought that was cool, a little taste of home for the soldiers. Then I saw the prices. Yowch! Unhealthy and 'speensive.

My alternative is to order food online. You would not believe how hard it is to find food for a well balanced diet online. In fact, I don't think it IS possible. I've ordered some dried fruit, granola, and trail mixes from Barry Farm. I've also ordered some beef, cheese, and various condiments from Hickory Farms (not healthy at all). My girlfriend cringes when I tell her what I am having for dinner. From time to time, the chow hall gives away free Harvest PowerBars and Hooah Bars, so I'll take some of those too. They aren't really that healthy either. In a moment, I am going to cut up a 3 lb. beef stick and cover the portion that I eat in Garlic & Herb cheese spread. In fact, I'm going to do that right now.

Just so you know, any jokes you make at my expense about a 3 lb. beef stick had better be creative. I've already endured far more than my fair share, so don't go for the easy ones.

I'd like to congratulate Steph on her display of possibly the most interesting article of clothing that we will see all year.

Next, I'd like to address Nogh's post. GROSS! We need to make a new rule in which no one is allowed to post gratuitous crotch shots. If you break this rule, I will post some gratuitous shots of my own. They will not be far different from this:

Consider yourself warned!

Nogh's random pic of the day

2005-03-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

So I haven't blogged much, but truth be told, I haven't actually DONE anything worth blogging about of late. Just the same work/school routine as usual. I did go to a St. Patrick's day parade yesterday, but I can't blog about it because I don't remember that much. (Green Beer always seems so much more potent than regular beer). So I've decided that, on occasions such as this, I'll post a random pic that I like. Sometimes it might be a funny pic, sometimes a pretty one, or sometimes a just plain weird one. Like this:

See how that works?

Now stop staring at The Gute's crotch and get back to work.

TMI and the problem with Midgees

2005-03-11T06:37:00.000-05:00

I have a blog routine that I try to stick to everyday. I start with my blog and check to see if the Lubba or Nogh posted (I've already read your comments at this point since they're sent to my email account also). Then I'll pull up Site Meter and check the blog traffic. If there is a non-descript or unknown site in the referrals report, I will click on the link to see who's there. Following that, I will go to each and every blog that is linked on the left to catch up with all of those wonderful blogs. Generally I don't leave comments as much as I'd like, partially due to the Blogger Effect(tm) and partially due to incredibly shitty bandwidth here in this god forsaken country.

In relating this story, I will try to remain civil. Pops, you may be right about this Asperger's syndrome, but I'm unsure as I've yet to look it up. Anyway.

This morning (I'm eight hours ahead of all you EST folk, so that would have been approximately midnight), I went through my routine and was pretty taken back when I got to Rita's blog. At this point I'd like you all to read her post entitled "A nonny mouse." Done? Good.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind the fact that she made me a focal point of her post. I should explain why it bothered me today. Basically what she said was that she couldn't be bothered to read through our blog here to glean information about me, and that I should fill out my profile. She may be right about my profile, and I have been meaning to fill it out. The fact that she can't be bothered to read our blog speaks volumes, though.

To everyone out there: no one is making or asking you to read this blog. If you look at the top of the page it says expressly that it was made for my sister and myself. And now Nogh. You are all MORE than welcome to read it if you like, but understand that it is presented as-is. Now, if you ask for more information about us, depending on what that information is, we will probably oblige. However, I, for one, would appreciate it if you left a comment here for us asking for said information, rather than complaining about our lack thereof on your blog. Furthermore, I have stated that I am in Iraq. IRAQ, people. A warzone. I have also stated that I am a contractor. You know, the ones that get their heads chopped off? Yeah. If you are shallow enough to bitch because I'm not giving up any more details than that, GO TO HELL. This is my life we're talking about here. Just because you sit comfortably behind your computer at home when you blog, doesn't mean that everyone else does. I understand that because I'm a contractor that it was my choice to be here, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous for me. It definitely doesn't mean that I owe you anything. Not even my mother, the Lubba, or India know some of those things.

Having said that, readers, if you have any questions about my opinion on something(s), my favorite type of food, the countries I've visited, my military background, how many pets I own or have owned, what type, how I feel about midget wrestling or anything else that you may want to know, please, I encourage you to ask. I typically AM a laid back kind of guy.

Here is a Midgee:

The problem with Midgees is that they apparently are not small enough. Click the Midgee to see what I mean.

That is all.

Frijoles y huevos

2005-03-09T07:31:00.000-05:00

Today I finished reading SJ's blog. She is the inspiration for this post. If MPH is the Blog Jesus, and Pops is, well... Pops (no need for a title, his name says it all), then certainly
SJ is my Blog Muse.

There's this guy that I work with (technically he is my boss, but he knows better than to try to tell me what to do) who sits across from me. I've addressed this before, but I know that I didn't express how horrid he is very well at all. Since I cussed him out, he has been better with not breaking my stuff and not arguing with me about things he doesn't understand. He has NOT been better about talking to me when I am trying to get some sleep, trying to watch a movie, trying to chat/email my loved ones or about his flatulence.

Since I decided to call him the Talking Guy, we've gotten a new officer here. I made the mistake of telling him that I am originally from Louisiana. Big Mistake. Now, EVERYTHING I do at work is done to the sound of his voice. He's a nice enough guy, although a bit frustrating. He's completely aware of this fact also. He looks dead at you while he's talking, until he realizes that you aren't paying attention to what he's saying. Then he'll look away and his tone will drop, but he will continue on until he is finished with whatever three hour conversation he is having with himself. I'd turn him on to blogging if I wasn't doing it in cognito, myself. Right now he's still looking at me. Sometimes I will look up at him just to make it a little confusing as to whether or not I'm listening. In light of this new officer I am crowning him as the new Talking Guy.

Now we need a new name for the original TG. I was thinking that since he can't stop shitting himself I was going to call him Funk Beast. Now when I originally wrote about FB, some readers left comments noting that sometimes you should be able to fart at work. Under normal circumstances I would whole-heartedly agree, but you people do not know the horror. To give you an idea of what it's like, cut some of your hair off and then burn it. Then get a very hairy man to shit all over it and toss in some smashed garlic. Then mix it up, put it in a bucket and hang it around your neck, occasionally stirring it and heating it with your lighter. This is about the level of aromatic pleasure I put up with every day.

The new TG (From now on, just TG) finally looked away.

Anyway, go check out SJ's blog.

I'm Moving to Canada

2005-03-07T18:55:00.000-05:00

The more I think about the backlash of this current presidential administration, the more I think it's time for me to move to Canada. I am astonished at the fact that we fired on a rescued Italian journalist, and I can only imagine the final outcome of all this. Unfortunately, I have not kept up with the news as I normally do, save for a few snippets from NPR on my drive in to work in the morning. All I can picture is the entire rest of the world getting fed up and nuking us in our sleep. Let's see.. is there anyone other than Tony Blair who doesn't hate us?

So.... Canada. Well, they have a better health care program and they don't go around bulyying everyone. Their gun control laws work better than ours, the people seem happy, Bush does not rule over them (yet), and they seem to have a better handle on social issues than we do. I think they are better about taking care of the environment, too. Nogh, you coming with me?

On a different note, I'd never heard of TORC until your post, Kris. Fundamentalists are insane and I wish we could block them from contact with the rest of our species -- I think they only run amock causing undue grief for the masses.

Now, I know almost nothing about golf

2005-03-07T14:13:00.000-05:00

But this picture makes me think that I should consider learning how to play.

I now own the most awesome shirt in the world

2005-03-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

You can get one just like it here.

But be forewarned, it will never be as awesome as mine.

Blogh Changes

2005-03-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

As you may have noticed, we have a new member on our lovely little blog. Allow me to introduce Nogh. She will be throwing her two cents around in here from now on, or until we get tired of her and leave her stranded in the swamp. For now, though, let's all give her a warm welcome.

Since there are three of us now, and our title was kind of retarded to begin with, I'll be coming up with a new one. Any and all suggestions are welcomed. This goes hand in hand with the upcoming changes to the template, but since I already know how to change the title, it will be changed first.

I'd also like to give a nod to MPH. I told you last time that I was going to spend however long it takes to read his entire blog. I did and what can I say? He rocks. Now that I've swollen his head, I'd like to point out that he's a rat bastard for destroying the month of February so that it is unattainable. That's ok, I've never been overly fond of that month.

Today I was looking at sitemeter and someone visited my site after hitting the Traditional Old Roman Catholic (TORC) blog site. I visited that blog and would like to share with you my thoughts.

Now, I don't know about you, but I get the impression that the individual that created this blog considers those on the left to be hostile. He also uses the word "homophile" instead of "gay" or "homosexual." Considering that this individual is an orthodox priest with the TORC in NYC, it's pretty clear that the church isn't interested in "saving" anyone who is gay, or anyone that isn't a staunch right-wing Republican either.

To the individual that came to my blog from TORC: I know you most likely hit the "Next blog" button, and hope that you stumbled upon TORC by accident. I'll only hold it against you if you do it again.

To TORC: Your subtle hate-mongering disgusts me and you are not welcome here. Go play on your own blog. Further intrusions into the real world and my blog will only be met with ridicule and condescension. Hypocrite? Why, yes. Yes, I am. Now pike off.

To Pops: I know not all Catholics are bad people. To prove it, I've just shamelessly plugged your blog again.

Okay, this is neither Kris nor his sister

2005-03-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

But I'm here anyway. Deal with it.

You should expect more posts from me in the future, and unlike Kris', mine will most likely deal with politics or religion exclusively because those are my two favorite subjects in the world.

I'd post my thoughts about the Edwards/Duke election now, but I have a midterm due today that I really have to work on, so more on the crook and biggot later.

In the meantime - Kris, since you're busy reading other people's blogs, may I suggest that you add this one to your rotation.

http://thepill.blogs.com/

MPH is up next.

2005-03-05T01:14:00.000-05:00

Okay so I've decided that I'm going to spend the next however long it takes reading MPH's entire blog.

Following that I am going to read SJ's entire blog.

If you people out there aren't clicking on these links, something must be wrong with you. Actually, I can't blame you. I don't know those people either. They could be real weirdos, and I suspect they are, but if so, they certainly are funny.

Generally I avoid talking about politics. The reason I normally avoid it is because I am originally from Louisiana, and ever since the 1991 gubernatorial race between Edwin Edwards and David Duke, I haven't really been too positive about politics in general. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about politics today either.

India? Nope. She's smart, sexy and all mine. That's all I need to say.

The Lubba? Nope. I'm busy emailing her as we speak.

Nogh? Nope, but I will be adding her as a contributor.

Iraq? I could, but so far the reason I haven't talked about it is that I really don't know where to begin. This place is like no other. So, until I have the chance to sit down and plan my Iraq memoirs, you won't be getting much about that either.

Religion? Generally, I avoid talk about religion. Ever since the 1991 gubernatorial race between Edwin Edwards and David Duke, I haven't really been too positive about religion in general. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about religion today either.

Ecology? No, I think if I went on about how ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny, I'd probably bore you out of your mind. Besides, I only posted that here for a handy reference to that phrase because I can never remember it. If you don't know what it means, look it up. It will make everyone want to hang out with you if you tell them at the keg party.

So anyway, today's post was a much more healthy discussion of content, and as such, I feel like I'm bringing you all one step closer. In the meantime, here's another picture of Wilford Brimley:

Satisfaction Guaranteed. Click on it to visit MPH's site.

Breaking Rules?

2005-03-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

When my brother and I decided to begin this blog, one of the rules that we agreed to was that we would not discuss Fight Club. Well, so far we have not discussed Fight Club, and none of our commentators have brought Fight Club up either. In order to keep from breaking the rules, I tried really hard not to bring up Fight Club in this blog, but since we aren't actually discussing Fight Club, have I actually broken the rules?

Disclaimer For a Disclaimer:

2005-03-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

If you read my post entitled "Merci Beaucoup," and happen to notice that I mentioned your name in any negative fashion, make sure you read the entire post to include the disclaimer at the end!

There has already been one incident, don't let it happen to you!

Bad Blogger

2005-03-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

In order to contribute to bringing my brother back from the depths of crankiness, I am going to post a blog. We have broken just about every rule we set about the blog (save for a few) and so perhaps my reasoning for lack of blog no longer fits. However, I've been trying to keep my blogs on this site positive and leaving my negative blogs for my own blog. Because I'm feeling negative about many things atm (primarily due to hormones), I have not posted much here. I am going to try to look deep within and find some fun, happier things to post. That said, I'm gonna break another rule. But not in this post.

Merci Beaucoup

2005-03-04T06:05:00.000-05:00

Over the past three days I've taken the time to read EVERY SINGLE POST in Pop's blog. I found it because the Lubba has it linked on her site, and after reading a few of Pop's posts, I felt the need to link it too. If you haven't been there, go right now, spend the three days to read everything he has to say, and then come back and read my stuff.

So why the rave over Pop's blog? It's funny, he's got something to say, and I understand where he's coming from. Because of this, he has inspired me. First, he inspired me to download Sitemeter. I'm not going to link it because I hate typing "href." It's not natural. Secondly he has inspired me to overhaul the looks of the site. Since I don't really have a design in mind yet, nor the technical know-how, it will probably take a while for me to complete this. Finally, he's caused me to question my blog content. As it stands now I've been blogging by putting words, images, and so forth without much content really at all. I think I will be taking a much more active role in blogging.

Lately I've been pretty much annoyed with everything. India, the Lubba's lack of posting and forgetting to send me Nogh's email address, Nogh's lack of comments, my ex-wife, etc. I am just cranky. My crankiness has nothing to do with India, the Lubba's lack of posting and her forgetting to send me Nogh's email address, Nogh's lack of comments, my ex-wife, etc. Back home these things wouldn't bother me. It's the same reason why Bush sent troops into Iraq. I am by no means saying that I agree with the decision, or that it is even logical. I just know why now, after being here. Iraq will make you cranky. Don't EVER come to Iraq! I know that you all have just been itching to work here like me, but inevitably, you will be forced to work with people that are inept in some fashion or another. If they are civilian, they will make more money than you to top it all off. The worst part is, they will NOT let you sleep. Something will prevent you from getting the proper amount of sleep EVERY night.

I have no peers here. I am slowly going insane. In fact, I can feel that crankiness slowly morphing into insanity as I type and hear the individuals around me going about their daily business. However, I do find something (sometimes even multiple things) to cheer me up on a daily basis. Usually it's related to India or the Lubba. For the last three days it has been Pops, also.

You have my most heartfelt thanks, Pops. In expressing all of that nonsense above, I was attempting to put you all in the proper frame of mind so that the depth of my appreciation might be apparent. Because of that I believe this is the most verbose show of appreciation ever to come from my mouth, or fingers as the case may be (is). So my next post will be when I start with the content. I promise.

***DISCLAIMER***

If you fall into the above list of annoyances to me, understand that I am not really annoyed with you and that what's really making me cranky is Iraq. If you missed out on that distinction above, I am putting it here again so that you know you've done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever and I am cool with that. Unless you are my ex-wife, and then you did something wrong, hence the "ex."

To Answer the Question,

2005-03-03T04:53:00.000-05:00

this is Wilford Brimley:

I saw this link on MPH's blog. Click the picture to get there.

This Will Get Stuck In Your Head

2005-03-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee dee dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee dee dee dee)Da daba daba daba dab dab da dab dab da dab dab daMah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee dee dee dee)Da daba daba daba dab dab da dab dab daMah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee dee dee dee)Da da da da da da, da da da da daMah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee)Mah na mah na(dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee be dee dee dee dee dee)Padap papa dada, padap papa dada, mah na mah na.

You can hear it here.

Admin Notes:

2005-03-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

Be sure to take a second look at the Don't Be a TG! post again. I've edited it after rereading it and to placate the masses.

Also, if anyone knows of any IT related job openings in the Asheville, NC area, let me know. I am positive that I qualify for them and I am looking to move there. If it wasn't for my damned ex-wife I wouldn't need a job so quickly. I've got enough money saved up to quit my current job and live off of without having to find one immediately.

A matter of opinion.

2005-03-02T05:27:00.000-05:00

I am in need of some opinions. Recently on Angela's blog, I read that she thinks that the order in which the songs are burned onto a mixed CD is almost as important as the songs themselves. I tend to agree with this and have always tried to put songs in the best conceivable order, even when I was still copying music on tapes. So what's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that for the first time in my life I am stumped. If you'd like to give me some suggestions, here is my list so far, in no particular order:

Bowtie - Outkast
B.O.B. - Outkast
I Like the Way You Move - Outkast
Humble Mumble - Outkast featuring Erykah Badu
Slump - Outkast
I Believe in Miracles - Hot Chocolate
Open Sesame - Kool & the Gang
Ladies' Night - Kool & the Gang
Jungle Boogie - Kool & the Gang
Celebration - Kool & the Gang
Dancing in September - Earth, Wind & Fire
One Nation Under a Groove - Funkadelic
Give Up the Funk - Parliament
Atomic Dog - George Clinton
* Mary Jane - Rick James
* Super Freak - Rick James

* I've been thinking I may reserve these songs for a second CD. I am not sure that the first 14 will fit on a cd anyway.

If there are any songs on here that you haven't heard, you're missing out and should rectify that situation. If there are any songs on here that you think are uncool, I hereby revoke your right to breed.

You may use this list to burn a CD for me, if you really wanted to be a cool sister and make my stay here in Iraq seem almost palatable, Lubba. If you do, could you put them on there in .wav format? You've been procrastinating on your end of the CD burning bargain long enough, anyway. Haha!

Don't be a TG!!!

2005-03-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

When we started this, my sister and I decided not to post anything negative in this blog. Today, I am going to bend that rule a little (well ok, a LOT) in the hopes that I might actually improve someone-anyone's life that reads this. If you do any of the things that will follow, please, for all that is good in life, stop. If you are a psychiatrist, please seek these people out and treat them.

Without further ado, an image that you will use to scare your children...

The Talking Guy

There is a guy I work with that I call the TG (Talking Guy). He is my supervisor while I am in Iraq, and he is my roommate. He is also the source of much of my frustrations here, and quite possibly the most inconsiderate, most disrespectful, egotistical person I've ever met. He isn't the smartest guy around either, but he sure thinks he is. What he does have is an incredible memory. That is the only reason he is able to function in life. It is too bad that he lacks any sort of cognitive reasoning.

Please for the good of our species DO NOT:

1) look directly at someone who is sleeping, watch the drool leak out of their mouth, and then shout, "Hey Kris!" (or anything else for that matter) so that you can tell them what you think the problem is at work. Also do not use a handheld blender in the middle of the night.

2) cheat on your wife with your ex-wife and feel the need to explain all the details to your roommate/coworker. Just because he is separated and romantically involved with an absolutely amazing woman whom he has dated before, doesn't mean he wants to hear how much of an asshole you are to your wife.

3) refuse to sign for a set of keys to the room and then refuse to give your roommate his back when he's been nice enough to let you borrow them even though you've had 3 months to get your own damn keys.

4) fart within a small work area that you share with your coworker after eating the same things that livestock eat. It will smell like livestock farted in that small area, and I assure you that your coworker doesn't want to smell it. (Edited for clarification)

5) talk to people like they're stupid when you disagree, but admittedly don't understand what it is you're talking about.

6) interrupt the work conversation to talk about your ex-wife. See 2).

7) follow your coworker around during off hours.

8) ask what movie your roommate is watching and then proceed to talk to them about something completely unrelated.

9) ask if your coworker is conversing with a loved one back home, and then when your coworker says yes, attempt to have a conversation with said coworker.

10) forget to brush your teeth and insist on having a conversation in someone's breathing area. No, dip doesn't cover the smell, it makes it worse.

11) (EDIT- I forgot the most important one.) destroy your roommate/coworker's property. You don't need a microwave in Iraq. I promise. If you insist on buying one, make sure that it uses the same voltage that your room is wired with. If you insist on getting one that doesn't, do not destroy your roommate's power strip that uses the correct voltage. If, by chance, you are dense and do this anyway, do not destroy your roommate's transformer in a second attempt. Most importantly, if you do destroy any of your roommate's property, REPLACE IT. Even if it is inexpensive, you made it cost twice as much by breaking the first one. (Edit)

12) look surprised when, regardless of the fact that you're his supervisor, he cusses you out for repeatedly breaking rules 1-11.

Why I Love My Brother

2005-02-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

For those of you who do not know us, my brother and I have a great relationship. When I have the opportunity to talk to him, it is often the case that my face hurts for a very long time after the commencement of our conversation due to the sheer volume of laughter that comes along with it. But that is not the only reason that I love him.

1. He does not exactly hold it against me that I put Play-Doh in his nose when he was a toddler. Let me rephrase. He may hold it against me, but he loves me despite.

2. He perhaps has the best sense of humor, or at least the closest to mine, of any human being I have ever met.

3. He relishes as much as I do in the stupid things we did as kids.

4. He is among the most intelligent people I know, have known, and probably will ever know. Throw in some creativity on top of the intelligence and humor, and strap yourself in - it's gonna be a great ride!

5. He likes to expand his vocabulary. I'll bet that if he has not yet found a way to use either smarmy or unctuous in his daily rhetoric, he's still working on it.

6. He is terribly honest, which is a trait that I admire deeply about him. He tells me when he thinks I'm doing something stupid and he tells me when he thinks I'm the bomb. I like the latter best, but when it's the other, I respect it just the same.

7. Of all the men I know that are his age, he is one of the very few that has a respect for women and isn't afraid to demonstrate it. Perhaps I should expound that statement to include people in general.

8. He reminds me of my grandfather.

9. When I am flipping out (which I often do), he does listen, but reminds me of where I need to be to ground myself. Typically speaking, his advice is sound and his opinion matters to me.

10. He appreciates toothpastefordinner.com.

11. We have private jokes and happy hour where everything is funny despite what anyone else thinks.

12. He's proud to be bald.

13. His wit is quicker than I could ever hope mine to be.

14. He got me addicted to MMORPGs. (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games, for those who don't know what that is.)

15. He got bigger and stronger than me, and so now I have to reap what I've sown oh so many years ago. While on the surface this may sound like a bad thing, it's kinda not. Having someone try to put mayonnaise in your hair while you try and not really succeed at fighting back can be a freeing experience. Besides, it's good for your hair.

16. Though putting his finger on my elbow still annoys me, at least it's humorous. (When we were kids, he used to do that to me because he wasn't hurting me, but because it annoyed the hell out of me, if I told on him, I would get fussed at because he wasn't doing anything wrong.)

17. He's the kind of person that I'd befriend were he not of the same blood. I don't think that happens very often in this lifetime, and I'm thankful that it happened to me.

18. He eats sushi, and he shakes his carbonated beverages before he drinks them. I do this, too.

19. He has affectionately given me a new nickname which he will not divulge its true meaning. I am inclined to think that there is no meaning and that it is just another finger on the elbow. However, it is still warming to the heart to know that he thinks enough of me to give me a nickname.

20. His laugh is infectious.

False Alarm

2005-02-25T03:58:00.000-05:00

Whew! It wasn't the toothpastefordinner hamster that died on October 19, 2004 afterall.

It was Drew's (the artist) sister's (Natalie Dee) hamster "Meemo" that died. Not that this is good news, but hey, I did get upset about the possible death of a possibly fictional hamster.

Dire news, indeed.

2005-02-25T01:47:00.000-05:00

Today I found out that on October 19, 2004, the toothpastefordinner hamster passed away. Why am I always the last to know things like this?

Squawk

2005-02-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

For some reason I can't see my chatterbox. If anyone has posted anything there for me to read, please don't be upset if I haven't or don't respond.

Well allow me to retort...

2005-02-24T10:16:00.000-05:00

I figured out that you were part of the allied camp, so I forced her to tell me. Lois Lane is another reason why Space Ghost wins. Bjork spork.

If you're a terrorist, I don't give a damn what you have to say, and I hope you die (here's a copy of this blog published on asbestos); therefore the following applies to everyone except terrorists: If I post something here, seeing as how it's a public site and I have enabled comments, your comments are welcomed and encouraged. If you disagree with what I say, that is your right. Far be it from me to censor what you have to say. I do reserve the right to retort, and will do so with impunity (although this does not mean that I am upset, and actually I am grateful to those of you that spend the time leaving your comments regardless of your stance, unless you belong to a terrorist organization). On to my retort (is it just me or does that sound like a French pastry?).

India isn't a rebound girl. There are two reasons for that. First, I define a "rebound" as someone you latch onto in an attempt to replace what you've recently lost in another relationship. This is not the case with my marriage. I'll explain that in a moment. Second, I've been in love with India for the last eleven years. I will explain how that is possible in a moment also.

I am not attempting to replace anything that I've lost in my marriage because I don't really feel like I've lost anything recently. My marriage was broken 2 1/2 years ago. I just stuck with it, hoping that it would change for the better, but more importantly because I thought it was the right thing to do. After a while I couldn't take anymore of not being able to do anything right. The separation and eventual divorce are both my ideas.

I think I got married to escape my feelings for India (that was monumentally bad and I am disappointed that no one bashed me in the head for it). I suppose I just stuffed them deep down because after we started talking and things began to click, those same old feelings started bubbling up again. This is the point where you say, "Kris, you're in love with your idea of India, not India herself." Well I'd actually agree to that, but only to an extent. As much as people change, there is a certain part of everyone that always stays the same. We recognize this in each other, and that's part of why I still feel the same. I think the Lubba and I recognize that in each other also, which is why we still act like four-year-olds around each other, despite having been separated for 10 years. The other part, the part of India that I don't know, is what I am going to focus on learning. We're doing that to the greatest extent possible between Iraq and the States. I think that getting to know one another is a healthy part of any relationship and that generally continues years into a marriage.

"Dated" might be the wrong term, so I'll say I've had relations with plenty of women between India and my soon-to-be ex-wife. The moment I decided to file for separation was the moment in which I was truly over the death of my marriage. Also, the ONLY reason I am not divorced yet is because North Carolina has a stupid law that requires you to be separated for an entire year before you are allowed to get divorced. I'm not a big advocate of Kindergarten-type laws (meaning any law that protects you against yourself). I am an adult and am fully capable of making my own decisions, regardless of whether or not the justice of the peace or the magistrate agrees with them.

I don't think that moving in with someone is a bad idea. After being married, I understand quite well about the little things that drive you crazy (not closing the bathroom door for #2, for instance). No matter how you look at it, there are certain things that you won't know about someone until you've lived with that someone. The getting to know each other phase is what we're going through right now. It's not like I don't have a whole 9 months in between now and then, and I spend most of my day communicating with her. It will have been a year total that we'll have spent getting to know each other by the time I get back. A lot can change in that time, and we haven't signed any contracts or anything, it's just that we've both expressed the desire to live together. Since I am over here and you all are over there, all I have is communication. Thankfully, that's the cornerstone of any nutritional relationship. Also, I'm of the firm belief it's better to find out now that she doesn't rinse out the toothpaste, than once we're married. We've talked about that too, although not to any great lengths (don't worry, I'm not going to come home, move in, propose and have kids).

I am not sure what you meant by distance. We'll be living together, there won't be any distance. If you mean that there's distance between us now, well I could get hit by a car tomorrow too. I don't think that's worth figuring into the equation, though, either.

I actually wouldn't point out that just because I dated her when she was in high school that I know her now. While we're quoting fictional media, I'd like to counter-quote your original quote with a quote from one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally." Harry said, "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That's pretty much how we feel. The thing about it all is that I like the India I am getting to know now BETTER than the India from high school. I like the Kris that I am now better than the one from back then too.

I've managed to stay in love with her for 11 years despite my own attempts to drown those feelings out. She has hinted that she has felt the same way too, minus the drowning out bit. I think it's possible for two people to change and still be compatible, despite different experiences and different backgrounds, and independent of location and the level of contact with one another. This is why people from different parts of the country and even different parts of the world can meet, fall in love, and have successful relationships. I think that's the case with India and me.

As to when, where, or whether or not I rev her engine, that's not up for discussion. :p

nogh said...

2005-02-24T02:01:00.000-05:00

So the Lubba outed me, aye? Or did you just figure that one out for yourself? Admittedly, that alias was about as convincing as Superman slapping on a pair of glasses and expecting everyone to believe that he's mild-mannered reporter, Clark Kent. And I’m sure you’re much smarter than that ditzy Lois Lane, anyway.

Now, this is totally none of my business, so feel free to tell me to fuck off and keep my opinions to myself. Like Bobby B. said, it’s MY prerogative (just don’t follow his fashion advice and walk around in biker shorts with suspenders, k?) But to a complete outsider – someone who doesn’t really know you or the details of the situation – I gotta say, this seems like a downright foolish move.

First off – India is your rebound girl. There’s no denying that, and there’s nothing wrong with it either. We all have our rebound relationships but they rarely end well for any of us. That’s why there’s a name for them. I know what it’s like to be suddenly single after a long time, and it’s scary and hella lonely. It’s natural to want to find someone else right away, to seek out companionship, and to want to fall in love again as soon as possible. But that “new love” rarely is. More often than not we’re not falling in love with the actual person, but falling in love with the “idea” of being in love. But after awhile that catches up to us, and we realize that we’ve been spending all of this time with a person who doesn’t truly have any of the qualities we’re after besides a warm body and a pulse. I should know – I almost married my rebound. (I shudder at the thought of how THAT would have ended).

And I also have a question for you – did you date anyone between India and you’re wife? Because the way that your earlier post was worded it seems like your ex was the India rebound. Maybe you should think back and try to remember exactly what it was that attracted you to your ex in the first place. Spend some time exploring those memories, along with TRULY getting over the death of your marriage before you jump headfirst into shallow waters. I mean, you're not even divorced yet.

And secondly, there’s the distance thing to consider. Now, I’ve never been married but I’ve been in more than a few long-term relationships, so I think you’ll probably agree with me when I say that it’s the little things that are often the ultimate undoing of a relationship. After awhile a person’s little idiosyncrasies and peccadilloes that were once endearing can become downright infuriating. Little things like hogging the covers at night, that clicking noise that they made in the back of their throat when they eat, and how they never rinse the toothpaste out of the sink. Those things can drive you downright insane, and you’re not around to notice any of them right now. If you skip the whole “getting to know each other” step and move right into the “cohabitation phase” then it’s too late. You’re already stuck living with someone who never does the dishes and clips her toenails in bed. And that's just gross.

Now here’s where you point out that you dated this girl in high school so you already know these things, but I submit that you DO NOT. There was a line in last week’s episode of CSI that is directly relatable to this situation, I think. It was early in the first act, not long after Gil Grissom looked directly into the camera and did his patented corny one-liner, when the CSI guys got onto the subject of DNA. Grissom stated that, “WHAT you are never changes, WHO you are never stops”. That’s a profoundly true statement. Every day - in every way - everything we come into contact with changes us slightly. Each experience we have, every book we read, every person we meet, every thought and revelation that passes through our heads make us slightly different. After awhile we don’t resemble our younger selves in any way. I know that if my present-day-self were to meet up with high-school-Kandace I probably wouldn’t even recognize her. (And if I did I’d tell her to wash off that black eyeliner and take off that Metallica tee-shirt because they’re just going to sell out in a few short years anyway). It’s no different for any of us, so I can’t help but to wonder how much of your feelings have more to do with remembering who this India girl used to be, as opposed to who she is now. Tangentially, how much of it has to do with remembering who Kris used to be, as opposed to recognizing who he is now? That Kris is long gone, and throwing on a flannel shirt, donning a pair of Doc Marten’s, and kissing his old girlfriend won’t make him come back. He’s gone forever.

If there's one thing that I've learned in my sad, pathetic excuse for a love life it's that falling in love is the EASY part - it's staying in love that's tricky. People are like gears, they have turn together or else they'll wear differently and after awhile they stop working altogether. You need to make sure that those gears still fit before you try to rev the engine.

Rally for Ben's Blog!

2005-02-22T04:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, everybody. Ben thinks no one is reading or was reading his blog. Maybe he was right, but he needs to start blogging again. Unless he just didn't enjoy blogging, we need to get him to start blogging again. So what I am asking all of you guys and gals out there to do is:

1) Check out Ben's site HERE.

2) Link to his blog

3) Email him at ben.pettigrew@utoronto.ca, requesting that he blogs again.

4) Ask your readers and those with whom you've linked to do these four steps, also.

It has been almost a year since he posted, and I, for one, want to hear what he has to say. He'll blog again if he has an audience.

Drinking Ambrosia

2005-02-21T07:28:00.000-05:00

I told India that I am ready to move in with her when I get back to the states (or her move in with me, whichever). That's not for another 9 months give or take a couple of weeks. She agreed. We don't really know what city or state that will be. She's going to grad school and I am going to work near (or if I'm lucky, at) whichever university she chooses to attend. Had I known that my luck was going to be as good as it has so far, I would have bought a lottery ticket.

We spent a lot of time communicating this weekend and it seems like we just keep getting closer. I confided in her things that I've never told anyone, not even my wife when things were good, well before the separation.

I don't believe that we are made, and I don't believe in fate or destiny, but as well as we fit so far, I am almost beginning to question those beliefs.

She'll be logging in to chat soon, so I guess I should be going. That woman is amazing. Hands off, guys.

Stirrings in the Justice League

2005-02-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

Wonder Woman decided it was time to get married, but due to the nature of her extraordinary skills, she would not be able to marry just anyone. After discussion with her colleagues at the Justice League, she determined that she was surrounded by a wide array of eligible, attractive bachelors with special skills of their own. The question, however, was which one to choose?

Going on a date first with Aquaman, Wonder Woman was treated to a dining adventure deep-sea style, ending with a cacophony of underwater rhythmic undulations by a variety of sea-dwelling creatures.

Next, Batman treated Wonder Woman to an evening of mystery and intrigue, first picking her up in the Batmobile, then traveling to Gotham City to show her the sites. Unfortunately, before they got very far, someone shone the bat signal and Batman was called away to protect his beloved city. While Robin tried to take advantage of the opportunity to have a crack at getting a kiss from Wonder Woman, Batman stepped in just in time and offered her a raincheck on the evening. She gladly accepted.

Superman was next in line, offering a quiet, secluded evening with no villains, and no special effects.

Next in line was Flash. Taking Wonder Woman to a theme park, he was able to make the rides faster and was able to get them to the front of the line for everything - no waiting. He closed the evening with a brisk walk in the park and got her home in record time.

Though she had a good time with all of them, she knew that she could choose only one.

Discuss: Who does she marry and why? Just for fun, why not the others?

The Sims 2

2005-02-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

I tried The Sims 2 tonight, and where I thought the graphics were a big improvement over the original, and the prospect of having new ways in which to interact with your Sims were kinda cool, it's pretty much still the same game. Having played the original for months and then downloading cheats for it, I found it to be a much more enjoyable game when you can cut to the chase and avoid having to make them do things like sleep, eat, and take care of hygiene. You can't do that (at least not yet) in The Sims 2, so I must say that I am a little disappointed.

Besides, The Sims 2 just isn't Everquest 2.

Why Aren't These Things Cool?

2005-02-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

There are things that have inherent coolness about them, but upon examination of the popular perception of them, one would think that they are not cool. I am going to speak out and reclaim the coolness of the following things:

1. Sea Monkeys
2. Magic Rocks
3. Ants in the Pants
4. Barrel of Monkeys
5. Play-Doh Fun Factory
6. Shrinky Dinks
7. UNO
8. Old Maid
9. Rubik's Cube
10. Roller Skates With 4 Wheels and Pom-Poms on the Toes
11. All 80s Music
12. Sleestaks
13. The New Zoo Revue
14. Letter People
15. Plastic Halloween Costumes
16. Atari 2600
17. Smelly Stickers
18. Pop Rocks
19. Fishnet Stockings
20. Teased Hair

I am compelled.

2005-02-15T02:00:00.000-05:00

I feel compelled to share this with those of you who will not click the link to the left today:

Click on the picture.

10 Things we have forgotten:

2005-02-15T01:19:00.000-05:00

1. Pop Rouge
2. The yellow Barq's can with red lettering.
3. Tab
4. Thundar the Barbarian
5. Evil Lyn
6. Ralph Malph
7. Dwayne Schneider
8. I forget...
9. Berzerk
10. Joust

How to deal with scary things.

2005-02-15T00:27:00.000-05:00

This is how to deal with those scary things that my sister listed (although not all of them scare me):

1. Cows - Try not to act like grass.
2. Ghosts - Ignore them. If I was a ghost, it would totally throw me off. (Not that I claim to have ever seen one)
3. Snakes - Run away screaming.
4. Heights - Hang out on the roof.
5. Republicans - Tell them you just sighted Colin Powell signing autographs somewhere across town.
6. Roosters, Geese, and Assorted Other Fowl - Run straight at them. It scares them first. (This works whether they are aggressive or not)
7. Ebola - Don't go near someone who has it.
8. Book banners/Burners - Hand them a book made of asbestos. They can't burn it and it will give them cancer.
9. Werewolves, Vampires, and Assorted Mean Legendary Creatures - Eat garlic.
10. Billy-Bob Thornton - Cheer because Angelina Jolie isn't married anymore.
11. Fundamentalists - Run straight at them. It scares them first. (This works whether they are aggressive or not)
12. People Who Tattoo Pictures of Famous People on Their Bodies - "Hey, is that David Schwimmer?" "Yeah, cool, huh?" "Jennifer Aniston is cooler."
13. Sharks - When you hear the first "Du-dum," GET OUT OF THE WATER.
14. Cannibals - Run away screaming.
15. Bugs - One word: Raid.
16. Computer users - Sing the answer to their question. Or replace all adjectives with "smurfy." Or both.
17. People Who Have Vampire Teeth Permanently Affixed - Cheer because Angelina Jolie isn't married anymore.

Things That Are Scary

2005-02-14T14:41:00.000-05:00

1. Cows - These guys can bite you, kick you, or chase you. I don't like them. Scary.
2. Ghosts - Regardless of whether you believe in them, the idea that dead people can float amongst the living is not my idea of a good time. Scary.
3. Snakes - There really is no logistical reason for these to be scary other than the fact that they can bite you and some can kill you. Plus, they have no feet. Scary.
4. Heights - If you fall from them, you will die. Worst part is that you have to know on the way that you're about to meet your fate. Scary.
5. Republicans - If you don't already know why they are scary, then you are probably scary, too.
6. Roosters, Geese, and Assorted Other Fowl - These will chase you. A goose once chased me onto a cement bech and continued to honk at me while I screamed. Scary.
7. Ebola - Self-explanatory. Scary.
8. Book-Banners/Burners - Same reason why Republicans are scary.
9. Werewolves, Vampires, and Assorted Mean Legendary Creatures - Because you never know. Scary.
10. Billy-Bob Thornton - Because Angelina Jolie just wasn't enough for him. Scary.
11. Fundamentalists - Doesn't matter what they are fundamentalist about. Scary.
12. People Who Tattoo Pictures of Famous People on Their Bodies - Just plain scary.
13. Sharks - They will chase you and bite you, but mostly, they will eat you. Scary.
14. Cannibals - They will eat you & shrink your head as a souvenir. Scary.
15. Bugs - I think it's cause they make disturbing scuttling noises and are mostly nasty. Scary.
16. Computer Users - Because sometimes they make you wish you could be chased by a cow, bit by a goose, eaten by a shark, and have your shrunken head worn by a cannibal rather than having to answer their questions. Scary.
17. People Who Have Vampire Teeth Permanently Affixed - That's not normal. How do you get a job? Scary.

"Shelter" by Ray LaMontagne

2005-02-09T06:06:00.000-05:00

This song is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard. You really have to hear it to get the full effect, so go buy the album "Trouble." In the meantime, here's the lyrics:

"Shelter"

Guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give, I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
As though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me, my love
And I will shelter you, oh
I will shelter you
I left you heart-broken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that made you live are killing you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me, my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me, my love
And I
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you

Buy the album here:
http://www.raylamontagne.com/

Smarmy

2005-02-09T02:31:00.000-05:00

As defined in Webster's dictionary, smarmy is an adjective which means, "flattering in an oily, insincere manner; unctuous."

Who uses this word? Moreover, who uses the word unctuous? It is pretentious at best.

Sometimes words conjure completely unrelated images in my mind's eye, and this one makes me think of Boris from Rocky & Bullwinkle.

Maybe I haven't had enough sleep.

An Ode to My Sister

2005-02-08T06:14:00.000-05:00

Lubba Lubba Lubba Lubba Lubba Dusti Dubba.
Lubba Dubba Dusti Dubba Lubba Lubba Lubba
Dubba Dubba Dubba Dubba Dubba Dusti Lubba
Dubba Lubba Dusti Lubba Dubba Dubba Dubba

Dusti Dusti Dusti Dusti Dusti Lubba Dubba
Dusti Dubba Lubba Dubba Dusti Dusti Dusti
Dubba Dubba Dubba Dubba Dubba Lubba Dusti
Dubba Dusti Lubba Dusti Dubba Dubba Dubba

Lubba Lubba Lubba Lubba Lubba Dubba Dusti
Lubba Dusti Dubba Dusti Lubba Lubba Lubba
Dusti Dusti Dusti Dusti Dusti Dubba Lubba
Dusti Lubba Dubba Lubba Dusti Dusti Dusti

The Meaning of Life

2005-02-01T14:54:00.000-05:00

I think that the meaning of life is really quite simple. It dawned on me yesterday on my way home from work -- every day has a theme, and it is the goal of mankind to figure out what that theme is. Yesterday's theme was "Cars Merging Slowly Into The Next Lane And Almost Hitting Another Car, But Not Quite." It happened repeatedly on the way to work yesterday morning and only once on my way home yesterday afternoon. I guess that makes me some sort of guru now since I have figured out a theme of the day. I wonder if you get good at it and you figure out the theme of the day every day, how long does it take before you get rewarded in some grandiose manner for your creativity and intellect? And do you get to choose your prize?Personally, I'd like to be independently wealthy so I can feed my Everquest2 addiction without work getting in the way. Oh, and I'd give financial support to my friend, Kandace, so that she wouldn't have to work either and could just play Everquest2 with me.

One more thing.

2005-01-31T04:59:00.000-05:00

Lubba, I compel you to post. (For those of you who don't know, Dusti is aka "The Lubba")

Pinch me.

2005-01-23T04:07:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I've been having the best time of my life. Have you ever had something that you really liked, set it aside and forgot about it until you found it again, and then when you did you liked it just so much more?

When I graduated from high school almost eleven years ago, I met a girl named India with whom I fell in love. We dated for a while, but I left for college and we broke up. We dated on and off sporadically, and even though I was in love with her, our relationship was based primarily on a great friendship. That friendship was based upon the fact that we were able to accept each other completely for who we were with no pretenses, judgements or expectations. We could share anything without worrying about how the other would react, and did.

Eventually, as we grew apart, we stayed in touch less and less. Then I met my wife and as women tend to get jealous over other women, she didn't want me talking to India anymore. So in one of the rare times we contacted each other, I told her and that was that.

Since most of you don't know, I am legally separated from my wife as of the 16th of November, 2004. That is also the same day that I left to be a contractor in Iraq. Since I have been here, I've been corresponding with India again.

When I first emailed her, I just wanted to establish that type of friendship we had once before. I completely expected her to tell me to pike off. She didn't and so we began to correspond regularly. I was happy to see that we fell into that friendship again pretty quickly, especially given the circumstances.

What has happened since, though, has taken me completely by surprise. We found that we are interested in each other again. We are both looking for the same things at this point in our lives, we have so much in common, and we still find each other physically attractive. Every time we chat or email each other, we learn things about each other that just makes this even better. She has taken me by storm. I'm falling for her, and fast, and we get along even better than we did when we first met. She's smart, she's funny, she's sexy, and she wants to be with me. Wow. I keep thinking that this is an incredible dream and I'm going to wake from it too soon. The best part is that I am going to be here for quite a while before I can go back, but she said she was going to wait for me. Soon I am going to fly her to Germany so we can spend time together while I am on R&R. Maybe that will help to tide her over until I return to the good ole' USA.

India is the best.

I screwed it up.

2005-01-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, in playing with the code for the page, I irrevocably broke it. Thankfully I saved my edits in Notepad, but I should have saved the whole thing. I will not make that mistake again. Anyway, the blog is back up now, but I lost the posts, and there may be a few variances with the stuff I added. I'm not sure how recent that was. That's all I have to say about that.